With Christmas just around the corner, I thought I should share with you a few of my favorite Christmas carols, re-written for Guns N' Roses fans. Hope this brings you a laugh or two. Happy Holidays, everyone!



-Bill Bailey



The Twelve Days Of Christmas

(Guns N' Roses Edition)



On the first day of Christmas,

Guns N' Roses sent to me

One Axl singing out of key!



On the second day of Christmas,

Guns N' Roses sent to me

Two keyboard players,

And One Axl singing out of key!



On the third day of Christmas,

Guns N' Roses sent to me

Three lead guitarists,

Two keyboard players,

And One Axl singing out of key!



On the fourth day of Christmas,

Guns N' Roses sent to me

Four cancelled shows,

Three lead guitarists,

Two keyboard players,

And One Axl singing out of key!



On the fifth day of Christmas,

Guns N' Roses sent to me

Five missed release dates,

Four cancelled shows,

Three lead guitarists,

Two keyboard players,

And One Axl singing out of key!



On the sixth day of Christmas,

Guns N' Roses sent to me

Six Bachs a-bragging,

Five missed release dates,

Four cancelled shows,

Three lead guitarists,

Two keyboard players,

And One Axl singing out of key!



On the seventh day of Christmas,

Guns N' Roses sent to me

Seven Sorums bitching,

Six Bachs a-bragging,

Five missed release dates,

Four cancelled shows,

Three lead guitarists,

Two keyboard players,

And One Axl singing out of key!



On the eighth day of Christmas,

Guns N' Roses sent to me

Eight songs a-leaking,

Seven Sorums bitching,

Six Bachs a-bragging,

Five missed release dates,

Four cancelled shows,

Three lead guitarists,

Two keyboard players,

And One Axl singing out of key!



On the ninth day of Christmas,

Guns N' Roses sent to me

Nine Betas sniffing,

Eight songs a-leaking,

Seven Sorums bitching,

Six Bachs a-bragging,

Five missed release dates,

Four cancelled shows,

Three lead guitarists,

Two keyboard players,

And One Axl singing out of key!



On the tenth day of Christmas,

Guns N' Roses sent to me

Ten Duffs a-drinking,

Nine Betas sniffing,

Eight songs a-leaking,

Seven Sorums bitching,

Six Bachs a-bragging,

Five missed release dates,

Four cancelled shows,

Three lead guitarists,

Two keyboard players,

And One Axl singing out of key!



On the eleventh day of Christmas,

Guns N' Roses sent to me

Eleven Bucketheads quitting,

Ten Duffs a-drinking,

Nine Betas sniffing,

Eight songs a-leaking,

Seven Sorums bitching,

Six Bachs a-bragging,

Five missed release dates,

Four cancelled shows,

Three lead guitarists,

Two keyboard players,

And One Axl singing out of key!



On the twelfth day of Christmas,

Guns N' Roses sent to me

Twelve albums worth of material,

Eleven Bucketheads quitting,

Ten Duffs a-drinking,

Nine Betas sniffing,

Eight songs a-leaking,

Seven Sorums bitching,

Six Bachs a-bragging,

Five missed release dates,

Four cancelled shows,

Three lead guitarists,

Two keyboard players,

And One Axl singing out of key!







Axl The Frontman

(As sung to the tune of Frosty The Snowman)



Axl The Frontman

Let his fame go to his head

With his waxed eyebrows and his Gucci clothes

And a wig made out of dreads



Axl The Frontman

Has his fans acting irate

Cause after the album's delayed

And high ticket prices are paid

he still shows up three hours late



There must have been something wrong

In those new recordings they made

'Cause he never releases them into stores

And plays the old songs to get paid



Axl The Frontman

Sang on Sebastian's new CD

Bach kisses his ass

More than Slash smokes grass

It's a wee bit frightening



Axl The Frontman

Stays inside and hides away

he says "Get ready for fun

The album is almost done

Maybe I'll release it someday."







Twas the night before Christmas

(Guns N' Roses version)



'Twas the night before Christmas, Steven Adler was high in his crib,

So strung out on drugs you could see all his ribs;

He checked his voice mail and teased up his hair

In hopes that the reunion soon would be there;



Matt and Duff were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of shirtless Scott Weiland danced in their heads;

And Slash in his top hat, and Izzy in his cap,

Had just tied off their arms to shoot up some kind of crap,



When out on their road there arose such a clatter,

They sprang from the beds to see what was the matter.

Away to the window they flew like a flash,

Except for Steven Adler, who threw up in the trash.



Slash rubbed his eyes, and Matt just said "Whoa..."

Because they couldn't believe what they saw down below,

They saw Guns N' Roses with a whole new roster,

Just Axl and Dizzy and a bunch of imposters,



Axl's voice sounded great, still high pitched and quick,

But his goofy new look made him look like a prick.

But all the new members looked even more lame,

Axl screeched, and he shouted, and called them by name:



"On, ROBIN! On RICHARD! On TOMMY and FRANK!

I just hired RON because BUCKETHEAD stank!

To the concert hall! To the front of the stage!

We're two hours late, so the fans are enraged!"



Duff said "Isn't that hairy dude from Nine Inch Nails?

Who's the guy with the bee guitar, practicing scales?"

"That dude's from The Replacements; they were pretty rad,

But the Psychadelic Furs were laughably bad."



And then, on the roof they heard the clip-clop

of a pair of custom made "AXL" high-tops.

They heard the opening riff to "Nighttrain" and they frowned,

'Cause then down the chimney Axl came with a bound.



His eyebrows were bleached, they were hardly even there,

And his hairplugs looked like Janet Jackson's hair;

A bundle of CDs he had flung on his back,

and he opened the CD player and played a few tracks.



Each song had been remixed a time or twenty;

On "Catcher In The Rye" there were beeps a-plenty!

There was so much synthesizer, the song was a wreck;

It sounded like it had been written by Beck!



Matt laughed and said "No one will ever pay cash

to hear a Guns N' Roses that doesn't have Slash!"

Axl smiled and said "You're a fool I guess;

The fans all freaked out when we leaked 'I.R.S.'."



Slash pointed at Beta, Axl's tiny old elf,

Who he hired because he can't take care of himself;

and said "Good god, that lady's barely alive!

She looks like she died in 1995!"



Axl glared and then he picked up his CDs,

And said "You can't have Chinese Democracy if you're mean to me!"

He flipped them the bird, then up the chimney he rose;

While Adler snorted powder into his nose.



He sprang to his sleigh, and cackled like a witch,

And ran back to his mansion, like a scared little bitch.

But I heard him shriek, as he drove out of sight,

"WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT."